I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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