Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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