i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
