fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
