You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
