I heard we made out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
