Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
