i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
