It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
