Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
