The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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