I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
