He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
