He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
