She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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