I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize