I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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