Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
