If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
