so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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