There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize