the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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