Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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