The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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