This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
