Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
