i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
