last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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