he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize