You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
