I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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