I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
