shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
