he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize