Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Enjoy the penises
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
