my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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