Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
