I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
