he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
