My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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