I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
