Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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