Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
