How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
