my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
