I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I believe in your delicious
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
