Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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