btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
