He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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