i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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