I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
