I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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