mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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