I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
