I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
as a side note pls kill me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
