My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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