He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
