New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize