I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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